My house almost burned down last night.

(Electrical fire in the kitchen.)

Working 85+ hours a week, and I still can't afford to pay my bills, let alone hire an electrician. What's more important:  A functional (and noncombustible) kitchen, a non-leaking office ceiling, or a house with heat? It's a rhetorical question, of course, since I can't afford any of them.

I miss my mama.

I should have known you'd bid me farewell
There's a lesson to be learned from this and I learned it very well
Now I know you're not the only starfish in the sea
If I never hear your name again, it's all the same to me

And I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball

You never cared for secrets I'd confide
For you I'm just an ornament, something for your pride
Always running, never caring - that's the life you live
Stolen minutes of your time were all you had to give

And I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball

The story's in the past, with nothing to recall
I've got my life to live and I don't need you at all
The roller-coaster ride we took is nearly at an end
I bought my ticket with my tears, and that's all I'm gonna spend

And I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball

Oh, I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball

I can't continue on like this and not hate my life. It feels like I'm dying. I feel like I'm already dead.

I guess that's what I am.

Garg. I got the second job because First Job wasn't paying enough (i.e. there wasn't enough work to go around), right?

Well, I just talked to my supervisor at First Job, and apparently not only are we completely backlogged on our current clients (and too few transcriptionists to do the work), we've got 2 new clients. I've always been one of their go-to people, and I feel awful that I've been so flaky lately. I told my supervisor that I've been having a really stressful couple of weeks (didn't mention the second job or the fact that I have been cramming 8 hours of training into my day schedule) and that next week I'd be a whole new person who was available to help her turn things around.

I actually think I can do it. I want to cry just thinking about the money.

(Sounds like the cats just broke a whole lot of glass in the kitchen. Sorry, AED and Mr. AED!)

Day 9: Supplies and morale are running low. Still no land in sight.

On Friday I will have completed my 2nd week of training for my new job. I'm training on the day shift (when all of the lucky supervisors and QA people work), but the company is based on the east coast, so I've been working from 7:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Next week I start my normal schedule -- Tuesday through Saturday, 3:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.

I've been doing my "day" work after the new job, so things are kind of reversed right now. Next week it will be Day Job from 8:00 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. (M - F) and Night Job from 3:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. (Tu - Sat). I already feel like I'm dying. I really seriously feel like I'm losing my mind. I sit at my desk for 12+ hours a day, and nothing changes. My mom lives 15 minutes away, and I can't remember the last time I saw her. I didn't even get to see her on her birthday last week -- I'm too broke to get her a gift, but giving her a hug would have been nice.

I'll do whatever I have to in order to keep my house so I can take care of my animals, but I just wish there was some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. There's not. I know that's doom-and-gloomy, but [He] was out of work for more than 2 years while he was transforming into a douchebag physician assistant, and he dumped all of that debt on me and skipped town to bang strippers. Even with 2 full-time jobs, I'm not making enough to pay down the principle on any of that debt, which means it's never going to go away. I can't even afford to heat my house. I feel so bad for AED and N. They go there last week and have been half-frozen ever since.  I'm buying my pills 7 days at a time, filling the gas tank $5 at a time, and sitting in the dark with one lamp at night in order to keep the electric bill as low as possible. Oh, and the leak in my office ceiling is so bad that the drywall is dissolving.

I don't mind working hard. I just hate that it's all for nothing. Or rather, all for [Him].

Attempted murder!

Pale grew thy cheek and cold, colder thy kiss; Truly that hour foretold sorrow to this.

Dear Mr. TAG Body Spray 2008,

When you inevitably become too successful and thus too good for your next "relationship," try to scrounge up the decency to take the following items with you when you sleaze out the door in the middle of the night:

• Your secret list of favorite out-of-town strip clubs (Finally, a Zagat's for douchebags! Lap dances only $20! No cover charge!)
• Your collection of strip club matchbooks (the Chicago series!)
• The scraps of paper scribbled with your ex-girlfriends' current phone numbers
• Cocktail napkins with women's names and phone numbers written on them

At the very least you've got to learn to pretend to be classy around those surgeons or they'll kick you out of the Bootlickers Club faster than you can say "glorified scrub tech."

Ever fondly,

Your ex
(Hint: The fat one.)

The view from my desk

Today I received a fish in the mail. So far we're both alive and kicking. Fingers crossed.

The whistle blows
And it's all in a day's work....

You might not know it now, but baby I'm a star

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
"Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go --
I can hear the baby waking up
Gotta get back to the life I know...

"I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him...."

Maybe I'm not, but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs,
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through
Making it ain't making it without you

Maybe I'm not, but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

I'm about to come alive