My head has been doing weird dizzy spells all weekend.

*tick tick tick tick tick tick tick*

Yesterday I mastered the cable cast-on method AND Judy Becker's Magic Cast-On (I am especially excited about this because provisional cast-on in general is a total nightmare for me.)

I had something else random to announce, but now it's gone. I started knitting myself a sweater? No, that wasn't it. OH! I know what it was! I've been sitting here at my desk for almost 2 hours and I haven't gotten a single bit of work done. I need help.

Come forth into the light of things and let Nature be your teacher.

I've been clearing my yard of blackberry brambles for the past week or so. It's slow work, and inevitably I find my thoughts wandering and rambling in a manner similar to the vines I so fiercely battle. Much like we primates have evolved to recognize faces in what in the early stages of life appear to be little more than blurry shapes, I began to see symbolism in the tangled vines.

Weighed down by sadness and regret and fear and deep loneliness this past year, I neglected what was truly important until I became utterly overwhelmed by this tangled, malevolent, grasping mass of troubles and worries. The more I ignored it, the bigger it got, growing more and more powerful every day. Its tendrils found each and every weak spot, winding deep into the cracks, twisting tighter and tighter, pulling down defenses and creating hidden sunless places where dark things could take root and flourish.

I could see it taking over, burying more and more of what I had worked so hard to achieve, but it just seemed too big an obstacle for someone like me to overcome. Not today, probably not tomorrow. And not without help. I just wasn't strong enough.

And then, one day....I was. I got up off the couch and found that I wanted to wield tools, flex my muscles, labor in the sun, and fight for this life I love.

The task is daunting, and even now it seems endless. I pay for my progress with blood and sweat -- and yes, some tears here and there. But I can feel myself growing stronger with every vine I vanquish, and each measly inch is a victory that is mine and mine alone. I put my anxiety and fear and anger to good use -- I make it work for me. I use it to change my life for the better, to make things the way I want them to be.

The thorns scratch and tear at my skin, but at the end of each day I examine each and every wound and marvel at how much punishment I can bear -- and most importantly, none of these wounds is fatal. I am battle-weary. My arms burn and shake, and my muscles are weak with fatigue. I use my eyebrow tweezers to extract embedded thorns from my flesh. And I am so aware of how every single sore spot says I'm alive. I'm alive and I can feel --  the pain, the joy, the triumph, all of it. I am the only one who can do this work. It is mine.

Life is cruel and painful and confusing and frustrating and seems futile at times, and it hurts you no matter how careful you are, no matter how you try to protect yourself. But it is also green and bountiful and beautiful -- and even if it at times seems to serve no purpose that makes a single bit of sense to you and causes you nothing but bitter, stinging pain and endless tears....

If you are patient, it bears fruit.

Be careful what you wish for.

I got a crazy amount of stuff done today. I woke up before 9:00, whereas I usually sleep my entire weekend away. I took the van to the DEQ, passed the emissions test, and then went to the DMV to (finally!) get plates -- and I remembered to bring my knitting, so I had something to do while I waited for my turn.

Then I went to Home Depot and bought an electric chainsaw, new mop heads, and filters for the pump house. I also bought a little bag of decorative stones to put in our jade plant pots and make them all purdy. Then I went to Al's Garden Center to see what all of the fuss was about. I was also hoping they might have a big ol' ficus or two -- I need trees in my house. Alas, they had none. Big Al was a disappointment, I have to say. [Although! They did have Royal Empress trees!] Then I went to Target to buy underwear; our house is infested with underpants gnomes, you see.

Came home, put on my new floppy hat and my polka-dot rubber boots and declared war on the blackberry brambles. I used my machete, my loppers, and my new electric chainsaw, but I had to stop when my arms got too tired -- I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control the chainsaw if it kicked back. I got a lot done, though.

Kiki woke up soon after that, so we threw the dogs in the van and did some more errands. This is where it gets weird. I called Jess while I was waiting for Kiki at Costco. When we came home, I had an appointment to have a phone Stitch-n-Bitch-n-Bastard gathering with Tim. The theme for the evening was gin and tonic. [Oh! I also bought gin today! First for me.] Anyway, we talked for almost 2 hours and both got quite a bit of knitting done. I even kind of liked the G&T.

Then at 11:00 Valarie called, and we spoke for an hour. While I was talking to her, Syd called. After Val and I hung up (well, her phone died), I called Syd back, and I was promptly put on the phone with a strange man who is apparently a screenwriter in Los Angeles. He made me look him up on Facebook and add him as a friend. Then Syd took the phone back, then Screenwriter took the phone back again, and finally

[BREAKING NEWS: Syd's on the phone again. They're having a look at Screenwriter's privates. Oh my. Annnnnd I just talked to a gay guy  named Andrew who told me to come down to Los Angeles "and we'll spank your ass, and you can show us your tits. And I'll show you mine!" ]

Totally forgot where I was going with this. Anyway.

This is just bizarre. I never talk on the phone, and I don't have any friends. And yet I still have evenings like this one. Go figure.

My life has changed a lot in the last year. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself in a movie.

Tomorrow: Reform School Sister Bingo!  <3 <3 <3

I just signed up with a volunteer organization in Portland and applied to Friendly House for a position to visit GLBTQI seniors. I'm really excited about this. There are so many volunteer opportunities I'd like to be involved with, but I don't have the time. I'm also thinking about volunteering to package meals for Loaves & Fishes, but it looks like the shifts are weekdays during business hours. I can't afford to take time off of work. Bleh.

Anyway, here's what I signed up for:

---

Elder Resource Alliance (ERA) is Friendly House's program supporting GLBTQI elders via activities, outreach, and education. ERA seeks volunteers to become Friendly Visitors--providing weekly or bi-weekly visits and companionship to a senior who needs some conversation and simple assistance.

We will match you up with a specific senior, based on personality and interests. You will not be asked to administer medications or do anything you're not trained for. You will simply offer companionship and simple assistance to a senior who doesn't have much contact with others.

Perhaps you'll take a walk, visit a store or stay at home and play cards or knit. It's an opportunity to build a lasting friendship and have a great time!

We have orientation for new volunteers, to match you with a senior. After that, your volunteer schedule is up to you and your senior companion.

---

Knitting! A captive audience and KNITTING!