...Empedocles claims that in utero, our backbone is one long solid; and that through the constriction of the womb and the punishments of birth it must be snapped again and again to form our vertebrae; that for the child to have a spine, his back must first be broken....
The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing: Traitor to the Nation, Volume I: The Pox Party by M.T. Anderson
What a strange week. I've gotten so much done. There's still a long way to go, but I feel like my troubles are in front of me now, waiting patiently to be addressed; and no longer this writhing, ever-growing mass that I must carry on my shoulders and cannot ever put down. The pressure is gone, in good ways and in bad.
It horrifies me that my emotions can be so completely divorced from my intellect. I've always known what I wanted. The one thing I've learned, the one thing that is now painfully clear, is that other people change. You can't predict it, there aren't any reasons for it, and you just have to suck it up and live with the new hole in your heart and the stab wound in your back. I'm still me, though. I haven't changed. I haven't changed, and yet I was the one who somehow became "not good enough."
I was building a fire in the woodstove earlier and wound up kneeling on the hearth, crying and choking on ash. I can't believe how alone I feel, how bereft. Even when I'm laughing, cuddling with armfuls of cats, marveling at how great I feel...I am still hollow on the inside. So. Crying and ashes and a cold draft coming down the chimney, and my phone rang. It was Sandy, drunk as a skunk, out with the girls, and thinking of me. I fucking love her so fucking much. No less than three people told me they loved me before the damn tears had even dried on my face.
On a lighter note, remember that horrible pain in my shoulder? It's worse than ever, and tonight I noticed that my shoulder is actually swollen in that spot. This can't be good. Sure wish I had health insurance. I'm sure my second and third jobs aren't going to improve the situation all that much.
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