The road so far....

I have made contact with the elusive ADHD doctor. We first communicated by email in the beginning of June -- what's the rush?! We spoke by phone and she emailed me a cover letter explaining the evaluation process and whatnot. I emailed back immediately and said, "Hell yes, please send me the huge packet of checklists and information so that I can get started on them right away." Haven't heard anything by mail, but apparently it takes 2 weeks to set up an actual appointment, so I'm very anxious to get the paperwork out of the way.

My sleep is for shit. No matter what I do, no matter how tired I am, I cannot get comfortable. I'm restless and can't lie still. My dreams are at best sad -- at worst they are nightmares. I woke Kiki up because I was crying in my sleep once. This is very different from my baseline insomnia. It is more disturbing for some reason. It feels sinister, like I've been cursed or have a poison pea under my mattress.

I miss Meatie so much more than I ever thought I would...or could. His absence is a constant ache that never goes away. It's the last thing I feel before I fall asleep, it permeates my dreams, he is my first thought when I wake up. I look for him even though the ache of his loss is right there reminding me that I'm alone. I feel like I've suddenly lost an arm or a leg -- I have to learn how to move through life with part of myself missing forever.

The job search has been hampered by the ADHD thing. If I have it, I can start dealing. If I don't, I need to find a new way to function regardless. In the meantime, I don't want to screw up another opportunity with my scatterbrain.

I wish I could start putting all of this behind me.

Kiki is still dragging me out running. I started weight training again today, which felt very good. I guess I just keep dragging myself out of bed every morning, do stuff, and then try to sleep at night until things actually start working again. It feels like that will never happen. I'm supposed to start over or something, make a whole new me with a whole new life. My therapist asked me what I was waiting for:  "A man?" My first real laugh of the week.

J, my best friend from Chicago, called today in tears. Her perfectly nice boyfriend of 2 years has apparently been cheating on her. He seemed like a great guy when I met him. I guess you really never know.

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