I hate you.

When a stupid, stupid doctor says "valproax," does he mean divalproex, OR does he mean valproic acid?

Ever have one of those days where you just wanna hug a bear?

"...if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best."

I've lost quite a bit of weight recently. Suddenly I fit into a pair of Kiki's corduroys that I couldn't even button a few months ago. They're actually a little too big on me now. Plus I cracked a weight threshold this weekend that I haven't seen in a long, long time. I wish I could post it here, but I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still ashamed of how much I weigh. Too many years of being criticized and judged, I guess. Ah, well.

I've been working out a lot, it's true, but I think it's also because my meds completely kill my appetite. I'm trying really hard to be healthy about this, but usually I'll have a couple of frozen waffles plain for breakfast and then forget to eat until after I get off of work -- and even then I'll keep forgetting to go have something to eat. Making meals ahead of time in Tupperware really helps. Being able to just grab a meal out of the fridge makes it a lot less likely that I'll get distracted while preparing a meal on the spot. Also, we are literally too poor to buy much food these days, so yay for being broke?

I feel good, though. I even get on the bike for about 10 minutes when I first wake up because it loosens up my muscles and helps with my backaches.

Cock-a-doodle-dooooo!

I honestly think my insomnia makes me ideally suited for parenting. And after living for so many years with a herd of rebellious and vindictive felines, I have the patience of a saint.

I don't know, it's just that every time I'm awake at 3:00 a.m. I start thinking that I'm wasting my talent and should consider a career in wet-nursing.

It was long after midnight
When we got to unconditional love
She said, "Sure, my heart is boundless;
But don't push my limits too far."
I said, "If love is so transcendent,
I don't understand these boundaries."
She said "Just don't disappoint me;
You know how complex women are."

I'll be around
If you don't let me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't let me down

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said, "Sure, I'll be your partner;
But don't make too many demands."
I said "If love has these conditions,
I don't understand those songs you love."
She said, "This is not a love song.
This isn't fantasyland."

Don't go too far
A phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea is a cold fire
Don't cross the line
The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor is a cold fire
Don't let me down
The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker's diamond is a cold fire
Don't break the spell
The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down

Love is blind if you are gentle
Love can turn to a long, cold burn...

You may know kung fu....but you're still a fairy.

Today hated me. Hated me bad. I could have used some backup, but apparently my brain had better things to do instead of, oh, I don't know....FUNCTIONING?

My phone was ringing all damn day, mostly because I either sent over last year's files (same file name, different folder) or forgot to send the files over in the first place. It was so humiliating. I'm not kidding -- I looked like a complete and utter moron. I was a complete and utter moron. Just one of those days, I guess. THANK GAD IT'S OVER.

I sucked it up, though. I finished all of my work and then watched Supernatural and Jeopardy! with Kiki. I rode my bike and knitted the whole time, and I felt like I could just keep going forever. Unfortunately, I went a couple of miles without realizing that the working end of my yarn was being pedaled into the worst pile of yarn vomit ever known to humankind. I am now pretty well aware of my limitations and capabilities, so I knew the only way that yarn was coming off that pedal was with a pair of scissors and a lot of gusto. It was kind of satisfying, actually.

Anyway, I coached Kiki through the Pilates routine while we watched Jeopardy! Then she went to shower and get ready for work, and it was my turn on the Pilates machine. I really love that thing. It's just as challenging as free weights, but the movements are like a combination of dance and yoga. Plus I like being all bendy.

Kung Fu Hustle was on. Kiki informed me that I am the Landlady. Nice. That's even better than being Karen Walker!

Then I had a nice hot shower, did a load of laundry, started a fire in the woodstove, and now I'm sitting in my Goodwill recliner with a Stephen King book in my lap and a pair of fresh, clean socks on my feet. I've got several hours of Golden Girls reruns at my disposal, and all in all I'd say it's not a bad finish to a particularly shitty day.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe....

The Monkey is currently at the vet with Kiki. Latest update via text:

I can hear them in back talking about how small the Monkey's head is. And they all love her squeaky meow.

She's also thinking about going eight-ball again.

Dammit.

On a brighter note, apparently "bordatella is Curly Joe's kryptonite." Great! I told Kiki to bring home a 12-pack for when Auntie Chrissy wants to relax after work with her gin & tonic.

Tomorrow I shall dress in my most vibrant finery and accompany Kiki to some hockey game or other. Sunday: Zombie Sister Bingo!! (And no, I will not be making zombie penises for the Free Shit table. There are some lines I cannot cross.)

Until you do right, all you do will go wrong

All the things
All the things she gave me
All the things
All the things she gave me

I wrapped them up
In a big brown box
Tied it with ribbon
Drove to the docks
Checked my time
By the old town clock
All the things...

I saw the watchman
He was blowing into
Cupped hands
As he walked to the car
He said, "Where do you think
you're drivin' to, son?
All good folks are in bed,
the day's work is done."

I said I'm just lookin' for
Someplace to burn
All the things
All the things that she...

All the things that she gave me
Where do I put them
Where can I hide them
Where I won't have to see them?

It's dark as hell here
This city's grown cold
The devil's in drag
Playing poker with souls

The lots are all empty
The last man's out
The moon's made of cheese
And God is a boy scout
When I go to sleep
I'll be dreaming about
All the things...

Then I'll dream about
Churches with
Great tall spires
Cathedrals and candles
Chimneys and choirs
I'll dream about
That place
Where I set fire to
All the things
All the things that she
Gave me

FYI

I am a passive feminist. I aim to remedy this.

Boys, I been framed like the Mona Lisa. And you can print that.

This week is approximately my fourth for turning over old leafs. At least 5 days a week for the past 4 weeks or so, I have been going directly from work to my recumbent stationary bike. I pedal for at least an hour, usually two; and I "travel" 15 to 30 miles. Naturally, I knit while I pedal. Knitting is the key.

For years my struggle with consistently working out was boredom. When I rediscovered knitting about a year ago, it quickly became clear that I'd picked it up for good this time, that it wasn't going to be an idle hobby that I put aside after a few weeks and never touched again. I have theories about why it's so soothing to ADHD, but that's for another day. My point here is that I was spending a lot of time sitting on my butt and knitting. Hours a day, really. I remembered a former co-worker of mine who lost 80 pounds by pedaling for a couple of hours each day while she worked on her plastic canvas creations. She'd come in to work in the morning and mention going 30 miles on her exercise bike the night before, and I would stare at her and wonder exactly how she got so crazy.

It makes perfect sense now. I can't stop knitting. It's a wonderful creative outlet, and it calms my mind while keeping my hands busy. Might as well get some exercise as long as I'm going to be sitting on my can for a couple of hours, right?

I love it. I've been trying so hard for so long to change my attitude about exercise. I've tried forcing myself to do it, and it works for a little while. But eventually the mental anguish of boredom becomes too much, and I give up. I've got it now, though. I crave it. I crave my time on the bike because it's mentally stimulating -- thanks to the knitting -- but mostly I'm after the endorphins. This is what my brain has been missing. This is why my ADHD has gotten so out of control. I'd forgotten how much I love to push myself to my limits and beyond. Thirty miles on the bike is a good start. And whaddaya know, I usually end up with a couple of freshly-knitted hats at the finish line.

After the bike, I get on my crappy little Pilates machine and run through the routine. I don't time myself; I just do each move until I reach muscle failure. Weight training has always been my favorite form of exercise, but I am loving the Pilates workout. It's a great change.

Turns out, despite my years of sloth, I have somehow retained my freakish superhuman strength. I use three power cords on moves that Kiki can only use one cord for. That's not knocking Kiki, either. She looks fabulous and is shrinking faster every day. I've just always been deceptively powerful. To be honest I think it's just my stubborn attitude manifesting in my biceps. What? It could happen.

Hmmmm. I had an entirely different point to this blather. Ah, well. Couldn't have been that important.

P.S. I feel...wonderful. And it turns out I can still get my foot behind my head. Bendy! Take that, excruciatingly severe arthritis!