I would dearly love to run away from your shadow

Show me what it is you’ve done
Pull the covers off in front of everyone
Surely you want us all to see
What you created for yourself in spite of me

You can try to tie me down
You can try to stitch me up
But you’ll have no luck now

Please don’t ever let me down again
It shouldn’t be allowed
Please don’t ever make me frown again
You have shown me how
Please don’t try to be my friend again
'Cause I don’t want you
I don’t want you now
I don’t want you now

So now you learned to make your bed
Far be it for me to be the one to pat your head
Truth is you know I could have pulled you home
But you’d already advertised that I slashed the tires of your one-man show

You can try to tie me down
You can try to stitch me up
But you’ll have no luck now

Please don’t ever let me down again
It shouldn’t be allowed
Please don’t ever make me frown again
You have shown me how
Please don’t try and be my friend again
'Cause I don’t want you
I don’t want you now
I don’t want you now

I don’t want you now

Truth is that I could have pulled you home

You can try to tie me down
You can try to stitch me up
But you’ll have no luck now

Please don’t ever let me down again
It shouldn’t be allowed
Please don’t ever make me frown again
You have shown me how
Please don’t try and be my friend again
'Cause I don’t want you
I don’t want you now
I don’t want you now

I don’t want you now

Straight into the hand that chokes you each time you try to live

Locked inside your head
Do you realize the things you said
Never made sense
We can sit here and laugh
But we don’t know the half of it
In your defense

We’ve been talking a while
And it seems to me each time you smile
Lights are coming on
But they don’t burn too strong
And they won’t stay for long
And then they’re gone again

Funnyman got a plan
To be something wonderful
Funnyman listening
To the world turn in on itself
Tuning in to a brand new universe
Funnyman will never be anything else

Do you remember the night
When I had to play your angel
Saving your soul
Even though you were holding on tight
Part of you was taken by
Your demons below

And with no more to lose
You said you feel like a bruise
On a beautiful body
All the damage you do
Is so honest and true
I don’t want to feel sorry for you

Funnyman got a plan
To be something wonderful
Funnyman listening
To the world turn in on itself
Tuning in to a brand new universe
Funnyman will never be anything else

If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels

So. Is this the best part or the worst: I loved him and I love him still.

I love him for what he was and for what he could have been. I love the part of him that his mother loved. I loved his wasted potential. I love him for the life we both might have had if his weakness had been just a little less. I love the part of him that makes me hate the way he cannot ask for forgiveness. My hatred of what he's chosen to become will never change that.

IN SUMMARY:

I've had moments during the past 18 months wherein I was Getting It, so while this feels particularly profound, I acknowledge that in all likelihood it's just another stepping stone along the way. However, after talking with KJ this morning (and probably also because I am finally no longer in the nightmarish depths of SSRI withdrawal), I can see now that even though I wasted 14 years of my life on him and even though he was the one who finally ended the marriage, I dodged a bullet here.

Because I loved him so very very much, I didn't want to believe that deep down he could be this despicable -- even after he did what he did, it hurt me terribly every time I tried to admit that he could be capable of such terrible things. My conundrum was that I felt that the simple truth of his actions would be and should be so terribly shameful to a decent person -- to be accused of such lack of character, such coldness of heart, such narcissim, such a massive failure of integrity -- it's embarrassing and pathetic and shameful on a level that is still hard for me to comprehend, and I was embarrassed for him. Don't get me wrong, I see the contradiction now: That a person who is capable of the things [He] has done (and continues to do) is not capable of feeling shame, so any empathy is completely wasted. Poured into the void inside of him, along with all of the years of love and tenderness and devotion and caring. Wasted.

And yet.

I loved him and I love him and I'm trying to forgive myself for that, because there was a time when he was worthy of it, and I do not ever want to be sorry for something as terrible as love. It's hard sometimes.

Can money pay for all the days

I lived awake but half asleep?

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day, No One!

Oh, and P.S. --

You think I'm not a goddess?
Try me.
This is a torch song.
Touch me and you'll burn.

Grey companion

For the past 18 months or so, everyone has been telling me that this is the start of a whole new life, that the world has opened up for me . . . . But the reality is that things seem to be winding down. A dwindling, narrow focus instead of an expansive horizon. I'm letting go of everything because I am starting to understand that there's really nothing to hold onto. I am waiting for something to happen. This road is leading somewhere. I find that I don't care where. I'm weary and I want it to be over.

I've been taking my Effexor every 36 hours for a while now, trying to make my refills last. I can't even afford to get them 7 pills at a time, and since I found a couple of Effexor blister packs (samples) in my closet when I cleaned it out last week, I have started to do self-directed fast-track weaning off of the Effexor.

I'm really scared. I don't do well off of antidepressant/antianxiety meds, and I get really suicidal during the weaning process, but I don't have a choice. I don't have anything to sell, I don't have any room on my credit cards. I can't afford my ADHD meds, either, but they've been doing me so much good....I made the choice to take a chance on sacrificing the Effexor in the hopes of keeping the dexedrine.

Meanwhile, all of the cats have been alternating through this sort of random vomiting cycle. The Monkey needs another checkup to monitor her renal failure. Something is wrong with Stinky, and he needs to see a vet as soon as possible, but we don't even have a car to drive him there. We don't have the money to fix a car in order to drive him there, let alone get him the treatment he needs.

I wish I had life insurance. I'm so scared that there will be no one to take care of them if something happened to me. More than anything, I just want them to be okay and have everything they need for once. My best has never been good enough.

And if you can't drive with a broken back, at least you can polish the fender

I am in an alarming amount of pain. I have no idea what's going on, but I feel like my neck is broken or something. I can't turn my head in either direction, and handfuls of ibuprofen around the clock have no effect. Both of my shoulder joints are semi-frozen, my lower back and the tumor on my ribcage keep spasming horrifically, and my fucked-up hip feels like the socket is filled with broken glass. I should be shot. This is just stupid.

I have theories. Nothing interesting. (Shocker!) Mostly I think it's a combination of a few minor issues:  1) working 2 full-time jobs where I do nothing but type for 16 hours a day; 2) severe muscle tension from unrelenting stress; and 3) living in a house where the temperature is permanently 5 degrees above whatever the outdoor temperature is (read: permanently chilled to the bone).

I really would give anything for some health insurance right now. If I could just see my doctor, I think she could help me.

On a lighter note, the upside of giving up on life is that you no longer freak out at the thought of dying from all of those random, unexplained pains and weird feelings. See that? I'm still an optimist.

Drove Mom to the airport early Saturday morning. She's in Florida now, and I'm not happy about it. I tried everything I could to talk her out of it, but in the end I had no way to stop her so off she went. I don't know why she went, and neither does she. I'm worried sick about her. Oh, and Kiki's car died literally the moment we pulled into the driveway after dropping Mom off at the airport. My professional opinion is that the transmission is now lying somewhere on Burnside, possibly in the Voodoo Doughnuts parking lot, because while the car runs just fine, it won't go forwards or backwards.

We are so fucked. Kiki and I are beyond broke -- we've been living on rice and oatmeal. How did life get so ridiculous? More importantly, why am I still so fucking fat after all of the stale bread and nail shavings? I kid --  the food thing isn't a big deal at all, as long as we are able to keep the animals fed. Seems like they're all on special diets now. Not being able to get either of our cars fixed, though....obviously a huge problem. She had to miss work on Saturday night, and her boss was pissed.

Anyway. I gave the Monkey a bath last night in my newly (self)-repaired kitchen sink last night. She had been looking crusty for quite some time, and her skin has been itchy, so I figured it was time. Man, that was a disgruntled Monkey. Disgruntled and quite pathetic-looking, actually. I toweled her off and stuck her under the French fry light, and now she's all soft and fluffy and (I'm sure) lovely-smelling. Caca told me that the Monkey actually smells nice and perfumey. I wish I could smell her. I feel like I'm missing out on some future memories here. Next time Caca is over, I am going to have her sniff all of my animals so I can catalog their scents. She'll love that.

It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got what you want
You can hardly stand it, though
By now you know

It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think one drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down

But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list for what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No it's not going to stop

So just give up

I can't explain. You would not understand.

I never give up on anyone, for good or ill. Maybe this is because I want there to be at least one person in the world who can be counted on, no matter what. Even if that person is me.