Bought the whole world for the price of your soul

Well, Spooky is staying at the hospital over the weekend for IV fluids and lab tests. She ate her dinner last night, but I heard her throw up at about 5:30 this morning. When she vomited again at 6:00, I woke Kiki up so we could give her 150 mL of Ringers. When she didn't want to eat her breakfast, I took her in to the vet. She's so old and frail that I didn't want to take any chances.

She's lost another pound since August. The vet suggested leaving her for two days so we can get her hydrated again and see how her kidneys are doing. She printed out an estimate, and when I got home my first paycheck was waiting in the mail. It's not even enough money to keep Spooky alive for the weekend.

Pretty soon my credit card will be maxed out again, and after that I will watch my animals die of things that most likely could have been treated. They're all so old; they're not sick or unhealthy, just old and in need of maintenance. It doesn't take much, but it's still more than I've been left with, more than I can bring in. I don't get paid by the hour; I get paid by the line, and when the work is dried up, I don't get paid.

When I left the vet, I sat in the car and cried for 10 minutes. I feel like I'm being judged whenever I go in there, like the doc thinks I'm a bad person for having too many animals than I can afford. I haven't told anyone that he abandoned us, that our household income dropped to $12,000 literally overnight with absolutely zero warning. It doesn't change anything. I still have to pay these bills somehow. Still...I didn't know. I didn't know. How could I prepare? I didn't know this was going to happen. I never believed something like this could ever happen.

What am I supposed to do? Let them die? Abandon them all for someone else to take care of? They're my responsibility, and I love them. I'll find a way.

Stupid work.

Why does it always have to be warts?

File this one away for future reference

Q: How do you kill an angel?

A: RAID Flying Angel Killer: Kills guardian angels, six-winged seraphim, cherubim, crowned dominations, virtues, powers, gatekeepers, and other airborne spiritual beings as they fly through the mist, so there is no need to spray them directly. Plus it has a clean, pleasant scent with no lingering chemical odor.

To see what is right and not to do it is cowardice

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We must look at our life without sentimentality, exaggeration, or idealism. Does what we are choosing reflect what we most deeply value?
- Jack Kornfield

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If one were truly aware of the value of human life, to waste it blithely on distractions and the pursuit of vulgar ambitions would be the height of confusion.
- Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

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I'm the latest mystery that nobody can solve

Everything is relative
Yes, that's my little joke
Nobody believes in me
They think that I'm some kind of hoax
I paint without color
I sculpt without stone
And as for the meaning of life
Well, I leave that alone

You should have known me when I was
Young and pretty and clean
My absence gives me power
I'm a vacuum in your memory
I'm everything you're afraid of
I'm everything you want
I'm everything you wish you were
I'm everything you're not

This isn't funny. It's not.

So why am I laughing? I hope I end up in one of the nicer circles of Hell.

There's a discussion going on here about the Cit of Portland's 'controversial' decision to convert 8 parking spaces downtown into bike corrals that can accommodate up to two dozen bicycles each. I've never understood how Portland can be so bike-friendly and so bike-homicidal at the same time, but I was hardly surprised to see the debate devolve into an argument over why those pesky cyclists don't have to pay for parking (because parking fees help pay for road damage, and bikes don't damage the roads?) -- and after stealing prime parking spots, too! The nerve.

pmichaels, who I'm sure is a very nice person, had this to say:

My next question would be why should the bicyclists not have to pay parking? Why are they getting a free ride all the way around? They don't have to buy a license...I do. They don't have to take a test....I do. They don't have to buy insurance....I do. They don't seem to have to obey the rules of the road.....I do. They don't have to pay for parking.....I do. It seems to me the scale is tilted just a little too far toward the cyclists.

mrdennmann responded thusly:

I have to disagree with your statement. you CHOOSE to drive, get insurance, licensed and use gasoline. you have the choice, just as the bicyclists do. Perhaps your lifestyle choices have hemmed you into the automobile lifestyle? That doesn't mean that bicyclists should have to support your use of an automobile.

I have a better suggestion: get a bike, join us. perhaps not everyday, but maybe once every two weeks to start with. I think you'll be surprised how different you feel.

To which pmichaels could only reply:

to mrdennmann - You are right, I probably would feel better on a bike. Now are you going to get my right leg back for me so I can peddle???? How totally insensitive can you be? This just shows how selfish you are and are probably the same riding your bike.

Oh dear.

I love the chat function on Facebook

 Chad: you my baby momma?

Chrissy: You know it and Maury knows it

Chad: But does my baby know it?
I told him you dies in a fire

Chrissy: I told him you hit by a train

Chad: everytime he steps on a crack, satan pours a little more gas on you
You is wrong for what you did to us
You shouldnt of done that
He was just a baby

Chrissy: It was the whiskey talking
I was only doing the bidding of my crystal meth overlords

Chad: fair enough
Well, I do like the meth

Chrissy: And the meth likes you
That's why I name the baby Methalomeu

Turn and face the stranger

I feel like I have a lot to update on but can't quite see the point of posting it. How this is different from all of the other random crap I've put out there is beyond me, but that's where I'm at.

I've been on Adderall for a month now. My NP started me out at 5 mg twice a day. I didn't really feel much different aside from being able to tolerate the dirtbikes in a more normal fashion. The lovely KJ has been keeping an eye on me, and after one of our talks I decided to up the voltage to 10 mg twice a day.

Yep. That did it.

I felt...calm. So hard to describe. Like living next to the airport your whole life and then suddenly moving to the country and realizing, "Hey. Those airplanes were really fucking loud and disruptive!" The noise is gone. The static is gone. Kiki and I were at Fred Meyer last night buying 900 feet of ethernet cord (long story), and I told her, "It's like my brain is this huge table and now there's nothing on it, whereas before I had a thousand different things all piled up together, covering every surface in a big confusing jumble. Now the table is clear, and when something comes along, there it is. I can deal with it. I don't have to search for anything or panic about where I should start or get discouraged because of the mess."

I saw my prescribing NP yesterday and didn't tell her I'd experimented with my dosage; she's kind of rigid. Sure enough, when I told her I hadn't noticed a difference with the 5 mg twice daily, she said, "How do you know you haven't noticed a difference?" Uh...because I...didn't notice a difference? The lack of noticing a difference indicated to me that I wasn't feeling any different? Halp?

Anyway, long story short, she recommended 15 mg a day in divided dosing to my choosing (10 mg in the morning, 5 at midday; 5 mg three times a day; etc.). Hallelujah.

We'll see. Things are looking good. Better than I can remember for the longest time. I feel capable. Not in a "buck it up and rock on with your life, sister!" kind of way, but in a genuine "my brain is okay and I can deal" kind of way. My house is still an enormous work in progress, I'm still broke, I still have 850 geriatric cats and the worst neighbors in the world, my heart is still broken, I still don't know where I'll be in 6 months. But that's all okay. It's not overwhelming anymore. Daunting at times, but I'm starting to get a picture of how I can eat this elephant. I no longer have this crushing weight on me from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I finally fall asleep at night. And I'm sleeping better, too. I feel genuinely fatigued at night, and my mind doesn't race like it used to.

Oh! And I got a job! My first transcription place called me while I was in Chicago and offered me a job. Unfuckingbelievable! I'll be handling all of the work from a 4-doctor pediatric clinic. Apparently they're quite prolific -- and fast-talkers, the lot of 'em. Woohoo, I'm on the job! So excited to be working again. Ah, how I've missed the aggravation.

Thank you, KJ, for the talks and the love and the support. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Spinning round, you're wrapped in blue

J called me about an hour ago. I freaked out when I saw her name on the caller ID so late at night, but she was just calling because she couldn't sleep. Why does that make me want to curl up in a ball and cry? She was lying in bed, couldn't sleep, and called me.

Me.

We talked about her day, and after about 10 minutes she said, "Oh, I knew it would work. I feel better and now I'm getting sleepy."

I miss her so much. I'm sorry for all of the years I was too shy to talk about how much her family means to me.

And all you need is love.

She said, "I told you, this doctor thing has gone to his head."

I said, "Just as long as I'll still be your daughter-in-law when he marries somebody else," and she said, "He won't. I won't let him. I won't."

Life is so short. If you're lucky, you find out what really matters before it's too late. All we have is now.