I feel like I have a lot to update on but can't quite see the point of posting it. How this is different from all of the other random crap I've put out there is beyond me, but that's where I'm at.
I've been on Adderall for a month now. My NP started me out at 5 mg twice a day. I didn't really feel much different aside from being able to tolerate the dirtbikes in a more normal fashion. The lovely KJ has been keeping an eye on me, and after one of our talks I decided to up the voltage to 10 mg twice a day.
Yep. That did it.
I felt...calm. So hard to describe. Like living next to the airport your whole life and then suddenly moving to the country and realizing, "Hey. Those airplanes were really fucking loud and disruptive!" The noise is gone. The static is gone. Kiki and I were at Fred Meyer last night buying 900 feet of ethernet cord (long story), and I told her, "It's like my brain is this huge table and now there's nothing on it, whereas before I had a thousand different things all piled up together, covering every surface in a big confusing jumble. Now the table is clear, and when something comes along, there it is. I can deal with it. I don't have to search for anything or panic about where I should start or get discouraged because of the mess."
I saw my prescribing NP yesterday and didn't tell her I'd experimented with my dosage; she's kind of rigid. Sure enough, when I told her I hadn't noticed a difference with the 5 mg twice daily, she said, "How do you know you haven't noticed a difference?" Uh...because I...didn't notice a difference? The lack of noticing a difference indicated to me that I wasn't feeling any different? Halp?
Anyway, long story short, she recommended 15 mg a day in divided dosing to my choosing (10 mg in the morning, 5 at midday; 5 mg three times a day; etc.). Hallelujah.
We'll see. Things are looking good. Better than I can remember for the longest time. I feel capable. Not in a "buck it up and rock on with your life, sister!" kind of way, but in a genuine "my brain is okay and I can deal" kind of way. My house is still an enormous work in progress, I'm still broke, I still have 850 geriatric cats and the worst neighbors in the world, my heart is still broken, I still don't know where I'll be in 6 months. But that's all okay. It's not overwhelming anymore. Daunting at times, but I'm starting to get a picture of how I can eat this elephant. I no longer have this crushing weight on me from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I finally fall asleep at night. And I'm sleeping better, too. I feel genuinely fatigued at night, and my mind doesn't race like it used to.
Oh! And I got a job! My first transcription place called me while I was in Chicago and offered me a job. Unfuckingbelievable! I'll be handling all of the work from a 4-doctor pediatric clinic. Apparently they're quite prolific -- and fast-talkers, the lot of 'em. Woohoo, I'm on the job! So excited to be working again. Ah, how I've missed the aggravation.
Thank you, KJ, for the talks and the love and the support. I don't know what I'd do without you.
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