Brain is not working. My prescriber said that 30 mg of dexedrine is too high of a dose, so she wrote me for 25 mg -- which just does not workfor me. It's better than nothing, but not by much.
I am getting extremely frustrated and....distraught. I am starting to fear that I'll never find that window of optimal functionality that a lot of ADDers seem to find with medication. I don't know if I'm depressed because of the ADD, comorbid to the ADD, or if I have depression that is completely separate from the ADD. I don't know how much of this is due to stress and/or lack of sleep and/or poor nutrition. Obviously these are all contributing factors for poor mental function even in a so-called "normal" person. But I have no money and no time to go grocery shopping -- literally the only time I eat is when K puts a plate of food on my desk (usually a simple pasta dish that our mom sent over) and says, "Hey. Eat something today." (Why am I so fat?!) We've been out of omega 3-6-9's for a while now, and I know that's not doing me any favors. I'm at least continuing to take my multivitamin and vitamin B12 every day.
I sit here at my desk...all day....at least 6 days a week. I technically have Sundays off, but I usually volunteer at The Day Job for extra work to do over the weekend, and I usually do that on Sunday. Mondays aren't so bad because I only have The Day Job, so the combination of those 2 "light" days allows me to recharge slightly.
On Tuesdays I get up between 5:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m., depending on how much work I have to finish for The Day Job from the day before. I sit at my desk and stare at my monitor and somehow get some work done by 2:00-2:30, which is when my manager goes home for the day. She's the one who sends completed work files to the clients, so after she's gone there's technically no point in sending any more work for that day.
Then I usually try to catch some sleep on the floor here in my office. My alarm goes off at 3:00, and then I climb back up into my chair and log into The Night Job. The hours are flexible, but we are required to spend the first hour of our shift working (in other words, this first hour is nonflexible). It usually takes me that first hour to get my shit together, going over my notes, reviewing feedback from my supervisor, organizing my references and lists, et cetera. On a good day I can work for a couple of hours before needing to take a nap, but often I can barely make it to 3:00 before hitting the floor or falling asleep in my chair. Usually I will need to sleep for 2 hours or so, which means that instead of getting off of work at 11:00 p.m., I work until 1:00 a.m. At that point, since I can no longer tolerate being in my office, I forgo the mattress on the floor and go out in the living room to crash on the couch with the kitties for a couple of hours before it's time to get up and do it all over again. On Saturdays I only have The Night Job, but I usually spend the first part of that day trying to catch up on lost sleep.
Sometimes, like when the pipes freeze or the covering for the well needs to be hammered back together, I get to see the sun and breathe some fresh air. But not often. I don't think I've gone outside yet this week. I don't know what day it is. Wednesday?
I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't feel human. I'm this sad and lonely thing that plugs into a computer and performs tasks for companies that may or may not send reimbursement in a timely manner. I have no one to talk to, nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel. I am exhausted all the time, but I'm so stressed out over being sleep-deprived that it takes me hours to calm down and unwind at night. This week was the first week that I had a day where I didn't weep continuously while at my desk and cry myself to sleep for the mid-shift nap, and the truly sick part is that I actually think this is a bad thing, because I feel too numb and too dead to cry. I'm starting to not feel anything. Maybe because there isn't anything. I don't know.
I'm so sick of me. This seems so pointless. It is vaguely painful to realize that I don't matter a whole lot in my own life -- I spend all of the energy I have (and more) trying to hang on to a life I'm not even living. I barely exist. I am pouring myself out into a massive void and I've got so very little left. What would be worse: Somebody reading this, or nobody reading this? I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I wish I could force myself to stick with a paper journal -- my hand would get tired long before I could get most of this garbage out. I can't seem to get myself to shut up. Shut up, Self. See? Doesn't work. I'm still talking.
I am getting extremely frustrated and....distraught. I am starting to fear that I'll never find that window of optimal functionality that a lot of ADDers seem to find with medication. I don't know if I'm depressed because of the ADD, comorbid to the ADD, or if I have depression that is completely separate from the ADD. I don't know how much of this is due to stress and/or lack of sleep and/or poor nutrition. Obviously these are all contributing factors for poor mental function even in a so-called "normal" person. But I have no money and no time to go grocery shopping -- literally the only time I eat is when K puts a plate of food on my desk (usually a simple pasta dish that our mom sent over) and says, "Hey. Eat something today." (Why am I so fat?!) We've been out of omega 3-6-9's for a while now, and I know that's not doing me any favors. I'm at least continuing to take my multivitamin and vitamin B12 every day.
I sit here at my desk...all day....at least 6 days a week. I technically have Sundays off, but I usually volunteer at The Day Job for extra work to do over the weekend, and I usually do that on Sunday. Mondays aren't so bad because I only have The Day Job, so the combination of those 2 "light" days allows me to recharge slightly.
On Tuesdays I get up between 5:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m., depending on how much work I have to finish for The Day Job from the day before. I sit at my desk and stare at my monitor and somehow get some work done by 2:00-2:30, which is when my manager goes home for the day. She's the one who sends completed work files to the clients, so after she's gone there's technically no point in sending any more work for that day.
Then I usually try to catch some sleep on the floor here in my office. My alarm goes off at 3:00, and then I climb back up into my chair and log into The Night Job. The hours are flexible, but we are required to spend the first hour of our shift working (in other words, this first hour is nonflexible). It usually takes me that first hour to get my shit together, going over my notes, reviewing feedback from my supervisor, organizing my references and lists, et cetera. On a good day I can work for a couple of hours before needing to take a nap, but often I can barely make it to 3:00 before hitting the floor or falling asleep in my chair. Usually I will need to sleep for 2 hours or so, which means that instead of getting off of work at 11:00 p.m., I work until 1:00 a.m. At that point, since I can no longer tolerate being in my office, I forgo the mattress on the floor and go out in the living room to crash on the couch with the kitties for a couple of hours before it's time to get up and do it all over again. On Saturdays I only have The Night Job, but I usually spend the first part of that day trying to catch up on lost sleep.
Sometimes, like when the pipes freeze or the covering for the well needs to be hammered back together, I get to see the sun and breathe some fresh air. But not often. I don't think I've gone outside yet this week. I don't know what day it is. Wednesday?
I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't feel human. I'm this sad and lonely thing that plugs into a computer and performs tasks for companies that may or may not send reimbursement in a timely manner. I have no one to talk to, nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel. I am exhausted all the time, but I'm so stressed out over being sleep-deprived that it takes me hours to calm down and unwind at night. This week was the first week that I had a day where I didn't weep continuously while at my desk and cry myself to sleep for the mid-shift nap, and the truly sick part is that I actually think this is a bad thing, because I feel too numb and too dead to cry. I'm starting to not feel anything. Maybe because there isn't anything. I don't know.
I'm so sick of me. This seems so pointless. It is vaguely painful to realize that I don't matter a whole lot in my own life -- I spend all of the energy I have (and more) trying to hang on to a life I'm not even living. I barely exist. I am pouring myself out into a massive void and I've got so very little left. What would be worse: Somebody reading this, or nobody reading this? I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I wish I could force myself to stick with a paper journal -- my hand would get tired long before I could get most of this garbage out. I can't seem to get myself to shut up. Shut up, Self. See? Doesn't work. I'm still talking.
1 comment:
I've found that the drugs don't work, AT ALL, when I haven't gotten enough sleep and/or my omegas.
I think that has a whole lot to do with this. That, and you are under a ton of stress. Your life sucks right now. It's the opposite of everything that pleases the ADD brain.
It could be that dexedrine instant release is not the drug for you, as well.
I wish I could do something. Anything. As your friend, I hate watching you go through all of this by yourself.
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